Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
