I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
