the condom got lost in my hair
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
