I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
