so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
