Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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