Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
