So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
