If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
