How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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