True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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