Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
