I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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