I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
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I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
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Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Pooping to opera.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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