the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
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my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
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She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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