I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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