note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
