He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
