grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
