ya dads aren't the best wingmen
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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