he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
