i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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