im drinking this country out of the recession.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Every concussion has its silver lining
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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