I'm so fucking centered right now
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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