last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
