dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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