Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
