Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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