I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
