I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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