I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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