Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
