I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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