I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
