so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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