Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
