I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
