my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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