I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
