do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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