everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
