my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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