Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
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got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
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I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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