Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
