When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
