I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
