I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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