you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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