Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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