____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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