I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
We need a shit load of segways right now
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
