he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize