I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize