i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So apparently I’m into choking now
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
